21 Oct Green Playdoh in the Gut
(previously identified as little black monster in front forehead)
Call in guide –
Guide that appeared was Energy guide – the sun. Was in light-filled room then into garden, sun as orb filling bird bath – went into that.
where do you feel this sense of unworthiness in your body?
I thought of my interaction with S. and felt the energy from that kind of encounter – feels deflected in some part but then concentrated in ever-in-motion green intestine / brain- looking being in my gut with cord up and out.
Bright light arrow points that prick it so keeps it in motion to avoid the pricks.
K. talking just with Green: when did you arrive?
Green: Don’t remember ever not being here. Maybe I used to be spread out, more at surface of skin. But perhaps the arrows were more intense then because her body was smaller so I brought them here inside in a more hidden spot.
When spread out feel the sensation of more mass in my body, more substance and gravitas. An extra layer of teflon and with less need because the arrows now are now insignificant.
Both of us unwilling to have it go or leave; felt it now could help more effectively.
At end felt overwhelmed by sensation, dizzy and little nauseous. Whole body tingling.
Image of skin cracking open and walking out a body of light, sitting in lotus before sun. infused with light as in beginning and spreading out. growing things as matter of growing myself – growing worthy beings as I grow as worth being.
Green as energetic interference…? must it leave? Is there a middle ground of transforming it? or are we both just unwilling to let this level of protection go.
And what do I need protection from?
What are those arrows?
Why feel need to keep that feeling of unworthiness as a form of protection, whether hidden inside or at surface?
I value that protection still. Which means I don’t feel capable of of protecting myself?
The image I had of my mom and dad as king and queen, fierce protectors of their princess.
So much protection.
Hopefully D and I can model how to protect oneself and hopefully how to identify what one needs protection from.
Why does unworthiness protect me?
Maybe unworthiness of being me protects me from self-expression (being full self) because self-expression (being full self) came with condemnation (aka M).
Just as when I had the negative self-expression in high school of the adult-less party came with condemnation and my own self-shaming.
Autonomy / Self expression = being ostracized from family.
Unworthiness of being fully myself (keeping myself small) protected me from being ostracized from family.
Which is a child’s worst fear.
Ok. so now I know why it is there – what it was protecting me from. And it makes a lot of sense, but it is outdated for sure.
I don’t need protection from being ostracized from my family anymore. But maybe I am afraid that I will be ostracized from the larger family, the larger community. Perhaps overly identify with others who are ostracized but I am so clearly NOT ostracized in our world and culture and life that there is a severe disconnect when I encounter people who are. And I don’t understand and yet I do empathize. It makes for a bad connection because I can shine this light of care without it coming from a place of knowledge of mass or real weight. It can’t radiate because there is no center of light – the center of light is just this green mass of unworthy feeling that sees something of itself reflected in that other person and yet is totally foreign to it. So I may feel that I offer a bridge, but the other can see that the other side of the bridge has not foundation ‘in reality’. It has no foundation anymore – even if it did when I was young. So why would they walk across it.
So I keep expecting others can see that I am just like them and yet I am not and I don’t have any concept then of who I am and who they are.
Those arrows are light-filled and dainty because they are true – they may prick me but not out of malice, out of truth. the unworthiness is perhaps protecting me from the truth and the invitation to develop the skills, center, knowledge, self-awareness, they are inviting me to be present in the community by seeking to understand and develop inner fortitude to do so.
So now what?