09 Oct Little Black Monster
Kamakshi Conversation
what are the attributes and new qualities of my new self that I want to embody.
free
loose
express outwardly
is it really my nature or a coping strategy. to be tightly wound and inward is a relation to something or otherwise it wouldn’t form. nature is to be free and open and accepting. because if we feel safe then we can be open as baseline. not feeling on guard, not feeling like there is a predator.
my true nature is the open uncoiled freedom. looking to come back into the baseline of well being.
exchange of energy between parents was never particularly positive.
how do I make sure I remember to express outwardly
The pattern of re-coiling and with-holding.
ability to breathe out for fear I won’t able to breathe in and receive.
find compassion for myself and discover why it was created. always a good reason it was created. finding the exhale so all can soften. hard to revive unless we soften and open.
getting really clear on what the pattern is and where it came from. so then you can begin to heal. the only way is to ask why is it alive in me and then I can unlock it and transmute the energy.
it is powerful groundwork of self-protection to keep myself safe.
the I don’t deserve this – this is core issue. but at same time I don’t know who or what I’d be without it.
identifying with mom and absorbing the undeserving of love she already had.
hasn’t transferred to daughter – so an indication that I’ve done work.
reduce the trickle down pattern.
repeating phrase I am worthy has helped in intimate situations.
“white people problems” – is just the ego rearing his head and blocking me from being free and happy in life and marriage. keeps us from doing what we need to do. this is a really diminishing voice – to keep my true self and soul down. and then perpetuates the pattern because it gives more evidence for why I don’t deserve.
what is this little black monster – unworthiness . You have it all, shouting down from on high in the neocortex – keeps me in head. you have it all, you are so lucky. who are you to complain or have problems.
why do this little black monster? “to keep myself alive because what would I be if I didn’t have that job of shouting – I don’t know what else to do.” keeping me down is making itself important, making sure it can stay.
Give that little black monster another job to do. ok little black monster what are you good at what do you want to do. what is your real purpose? other than to stay alive. what is it trying to provide.
protecting me from outside (outside expression = my fear) people who will say things that I already think about myself that make me feel bad. ends up protecting me from people who aren’t; important to me but hurting those who Are important to me.
thinks its trying to protect me from being hurt but ‘m actually staying hurt.
jealousy
If I’m really shiny then that engenders jealousy – classic thing with women – we are not supposed to be brilliant talented gorgeous and happy.
doorway to dismantle – I forgive myself for judging myself and judging little black monster. help this part find a new job. is there an agreement within me
gratitude to Dov’s drawing of a line. of refusal to let it go.
- get clear on what the judgements are. what are those things that ‘people’ would say. what am I saying to myself and get clear on them and see them. what do I hold against myself and am afraid other people will think and say about me.
- do I put the judgements that I say to myself on others?
- deeper level of unworthiness – these are still on the surface – what do I fear people will really say. I’m not enough? how am I worthy if my moms not worthy? why me and not her. if I can be good enough I can save anything. originated and perpetuated.
I’ve been calling this forward to get my own attention – made it happen in some ways to make myself take next step.
requires a realm of feeling and emotion – going back in time to witness beginning of it and really look at it and forgive myself and undo the limiting beliefs – misinterpretation of reality. what could I have possibly done to make me more deserving than my mom.
need to shift in inwardly at an emotional level. this is where patterns are broken.
our work is in the current generation we have – we can’t do the work in another person’s generation. MY past lifetime, not an ancestor past lifetimes – distraction from taking ownership of MY pattern. this is about me in this incarnation.
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Notes from Kamakshi
Today you identified the Pattern of Recoiling and Withholding. And the Little Black Monster (embodying unworthiness and living in your neocortex) whose job it is to try to keep you safe by keeping you small.
Judgements identified:
- spoiled,
- no handle on reality
- pollyanna,
- privledged,
- out of touch with reality,
- elitist,
- strident,
- idealistic
- I’m not enough
- I have to be perfect
- How am I worth if M. is not
Homework
Write this out for each one
1) I forgive myself for judging myself as…
2. I forgive myself for buying into the belief that…
And then do your best to write out what you DO appreciate about yourself and how you find yourself worthy of your own self love